


We're Still Standing

by MoonySmith



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (although we know where it ends), Angst, Emotionally Repressed, Hopeful Ending, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, it still has romance tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 05:23:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20371384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonySmith/pseuds/MoonySmith
Summary: Although it may be difficult to accept, Remus and Sirius are no longer what they once were and have to learn to deal with what the First War left in each of them in order to continue the new battle.Or, basically adult men who don't talk about their feelings until they feel the need to explode and attack each other.





	We're Still Standing

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is the first time I share here some of my Wolfstar in English, despite I've been writing about them in my mother tongue for a long time. I wrote this in celebration of a page I manage on FB, which reached 2000 likes - I asked them to give me some prompts I could work with, and they chose a lot of angsty ones, so here it is.  
If there's any grammar mistake, please let me know!

It had been a few hours since Remus had completed a small mission for the Order. Dumbledore has not been entirely clear with him, and he assumes that nobody actually, but he thinks that probably in the not too distant future, Remus will have to start going and try to blend around with other werewolves. And the simple idea makes him freak out whenever it crosses his head.

He's walking straight to Grimmauld Place. It's been four weeks since Sirius left his own home on Albus' orders. The animagus had commented to him after days being sent letters with Dumbledore, that both agreed that he was going to find out in what state was the old mansion of the Blacks, that perhaps it could be useful as a refuge for them and what they were going to begin again. Remus had not loved the idea, especially because he had to travel to the north of the country for yet another mission, and he could not be there for his friend, knowing what returning to that place would mean to him. But he had to accept that that's how things could turn out sometimes. But now he was walking under the bright, warm sunlight, deep in thoughts, not noticing that something was walking beside him; a dog. Of course not any dog, either. _Padfoot_.

Remus inhaled through his nose with exasperation, totally astonished that the idiot next to him was capable of doing something as stupid and irresponsible as coming out of his hiding place in the middle of London in broad daylight. But he knew that if he acted in some strange way, he would attract people's attention, so he pretended to greet him with a voice a little softer and friendlier than he really felt, and continued on his way until they finally reached the house. It hadn't been much of a trip either, and he hoped that the other one hadn't been out too long, and he really hoped this would be the first _and_ last time he did that.

In the brief exchange of owls they had, Sirius had shown him exactly how to open the magic door of the mansion, so he really had no problem getting into the cold, dark corridor leading to the rest of the house. The dog had followed him and Remus closed the door behind him and waited for them to reach some room so that he could release the helplessness he felt.

“Are you crazy?” he asked when they entered into what appeared to be the kitchen. There was a small wooden table on it and he left the coat next to his suitcase over one of the chairs.

The dog, still there, circled him, wagging his cheerful tail, but Remus did not pay attention. He finally gave up and once again became what was left of Sirius Black.

“I see you haven't left the stupidity behind," Remus coldly muttered when he was in front of him. “We're supposed to stay out of danger, not run straight at it.” He ran a hand over his face, closing his eyes to avoid further reprimanding his friend. He let out a sigh.

“Calm down a little, will you?” Sirius said serenely as if nothing that was happening outside was a problem for him. It just made Remus go into more despair. “I was only there for a few minutes, nobody saw me.”

“That's what _you_ think," replied Lupin, finally lowering his hand from his face, looking for the first time at Sirius, who had gone to one of the chairs and sat down with the same grace that had characterized him since his youth. He hadn't seen him in weeks and didn't really expect there to be a change in him, but apparently he hadn't wasted time because now he had shorter hair and beard than the last time he saw him, and he was wearing really different clothes than the one he had been wearing while at home. He didn't quite know what to think of this new image. “You look—“

“Handsome, I know” he helped him, smiling ironically. ”Now, shall we begin?” he asked, making appear with the magic wand a bottle of what could only be wine, followed by two glasses on the table.

Remus snorted and, although he shook his head, he had nothing to lose and thought it would relax him anyway, so he sat down in front of him.

“It doesn’t mean you’re not an idiot,” he let him know as he received the glass and smiled back at him.

“Always so honest.”

Sirius ended up telling him the kind of things he had found in the old mansion. He had been unable to go room after room because there were too many of them, but he had really wasted no time, pointing out to him the clothes he was wearing that he had taken from a relative who had died a few years ago.

Perhaps it was thanks to the glasses they had remained drinking and the warmth with which the conversation had continued, but now he felt calmer and had left behind the irresponsible escape Sirius had made before.

“I forgot to mention it!” he said, sounding more excited than before. He left the glass on the table and passed the sleeve of his jacket through his mouth before standing up. “You have to come and see this.”

Sirius took Remus by his wrist, giving him just a few seconds to leave his glass as well and stood up to follow him out of the kitchen. He had not let go of his wrist as he led him into a dark room, Remus did not know what to think of it.

“Hey," said Sirius, addressing someone else who was not Remus. Then he pulled him back to stand beside him in front of the wall, where there was a portrait of an older woman hanging on her. “Visitors.” Sirius' voice sounded a little sharper than normal, and before turning his gaze to the portrait, Remus offered him a glance; he smiled with a hint of malice, and Remus could not be sure why.

“Who is...?” he began to ask but stopped when the woman in the painting began to move, suddenly opening her eyes with a great impression.

“HOW DARE YOU?!” she shouted in a shrill voice and Remus had to move his arm away from Sirius to take his hands to his ears. “HOW DARE YOU TO BRING THIS HALF-BREED TO THE HONORABLE HOUSE OF BLACKS!

Despite holding his fingers above his ears, Remus could hear the latter quite clearly, shuddering slightly, took a step backwards. He heard Sirius start laughing.

“Isn't she charming?” he asked, the smile a little crazier this time.

“IS HE A WEREWOLF?” the lady asked now, more curiously. “Sirius Black, you're an embarrassment to this family!”

“Aw, thank you.”

“You dare to bring your poor attempt of a boyfriend after all this time?”

With that, the two men looked at each other, clearly uncomfortable with the words.

Sirius scratched the back of his neck and whispered towards the portrait, “Shut up, you crazy old woman.” He turned to turn his back on her and look at Remus, shrugging but laughing again. “I guess she couldn't just die and disappear, could she?”

Then Remus smiled at him with a little more tranquility, the woman had finally fallen silent as the two men moved away from her sight.

“Have you been locked up with her this month?” Remus asked, approaching his side.

“Yes," he said with a smile. “It's really fun. I'd forgotten how crazy this woman was.”

Lupin shook his head, unable to understand what Sirius must have felt when he had to be back here in his old house, but also trapped next to his mother's portrait. He didn't know what had taken hold of him when he slid one hand beside Sirius's and grabbed it to intertwine his fingers as Black continued to look at the painting.

"Don't be an idiot, Sirius," he muttered softly. “What you did outside — please don't do it again.”

Sirius turned sharply, apparently, he had not noticed that his hands were together before, so he looked from them at Remus' face.

“I've been locked up here for a month, _Moony_," he said, sounding more like a plea than anything. “I needed... air.” He shook his head as he continued to look at the portrait with a frown.

“I’m sorry.”

Remus let go of his hand so that now he could surround his shoulders with one arm, staring at the image of the woman who from that perspective looked like nothing more than a simple muggle portrait. Lupin had only seen her in the early years of Hogwarts when she went with her husband to leave Sirius on the platform. He always looked down on all those who passed by, and Sirius enjoyed challenging her each time he drew closer to him before walking to her with a satisfied smile.

When they left the room, Sirius took it upon himself to show him where he would sleep, before returning to his old room, which was perhaps conveniently next to his. Remus was surprised to be there, after so many stories Sirius told him and his friends about the things that happened in the mansion. The things Sirius had left behind when he escaped from there. Remus was concerned about how much he would be affected by being locked up, so he really hoped that the issue with Pettigrew would be settled soon.

But time passed and everything seemed to get worse every day. While they were getting stronger and joining forces, Voldemort and his people had been doing it on their side too, more slowly but they were doing it, after all.

It was difficult to hold a meeting of the Order without fighting and shouting among its members. Remus constantly tried to stay out of everything, talked when asked, and only gave his opinion when necessary. Every day he was more tired, not to mention that now there were only two nights until the full moon and he knew well that was why he felt perhaps three times as irritable as he usually would, adding that he had arrived from a solo mission less than a week ago.

Sirius had been arguing loudly with an Auror, Remus had been watching him sideways while he himself had a much calmer debate about the attention the Ministry was paying to magical creatures with another Auror. He didn't want to meddle between Sirius and the other member of the Order. It was his business, but he couldn't stand to see Sirius explode every time he faced someone else, and Remus hated himself for believing this, but it was as if the animagus was waiting for a meeting to release the stress that was clearly within him.

“Unbelievable !” Sirius had shouted once Remus had managed to take him to his mother's old room where he left Buckbeak, once the meeting was over. Remus was hoping that being there, alone, could ease him a little.

“Sirius...”

“No," he shut him up, pointing a finger at him as soon as the door closed. “Everything here is wrong, you know?” Sirius began to wave his arms in despair, followed by a scream. “Not only do I have to endure being here, but now I must also accept that they come to insult me.”

“For Merlin’s sake, Sirius. It's _their_ job, you can't expect them to run as soon as the Order calls them. They’re risking their lives for—“

“Is this a joke?”

“Listen, it's not easy to go back and assemble everything as it was last time. It's been years.” Remus tried to keep his distance, standing in front of the door.

Buckbeak had at least grown accustomed to Remus' presence and had not been much more than lying in the middle of the room as Sirius walked back and forth.

“You could have said something while he was attacking me.” Sirius finally turned, offering him an annoying look. “I hate them," he added, shaking his head. “They are cold, and their motivation is far from what it should be. Risking their lives? Rem, they're probably doing it because joining the other side is _worse_.”

Remus sighed, trying to ignore the fact that he attacked him in the first place.

“That's what we have, for now, okay?” He tried to fix his gaze on the creature beside them as he thought a little more of his words. “The first time, we started from little too, we'll get there again. The Order needs to be united with what we have at hand. If that means accepting the Aurors of the Ministry, we will. If that means becoming cynical about some decisions, we will be cynical too, Sirius. We can't afford the idea of throwing away incoming aid.”

“The _help_ that comes? Are you even listening to me?” Sirius asked with raised eyebrows before frowning and offering him a contemptuous look from head to toe. “Sometimes I see you, Remus," he said, shaking his head slightly, "and I don't know who you are. I'm not sure where your heart has gone, that's all," he muttered, shrugging before turning to turn his back.

Remus was wounded and felt his chest squeeze tightly.

“What are you talking about now?” he challenged him, taking the remaining steps to be behind him. “Come on, tell me…”

He heard Sirius laugh, then turn around and look at him with fury in his eyes, approaching him as if he were disgusted. Remus never imagined seeing that expression in the other man directed at him.

“It's as if you had no feelings, _Remus_," he said, sliding his name with as much poison as possible. Remus opened his mouth to reply, but Sirius continued, "You used to be kind and compassionate. Now you've just become as cynical as you said before, full of rage. I wonder what happened to you because I feel like I don't know you.”

Remus listened to each of his last words with attention, even as he felt his body tremble with the fury, helplessness, and anger he felt from listening to the one who was once his best friend speak that way about him. He heard a high-pitched ring in his ears, also feeling the heat running down his body to his cheeks. It had to be a joke.

“This is classic of you," he finally said, letting out a grimace of irony. He shook his head and gazed back into Sirius' eyes, who continued to look back at him now with insecurity. “How giant must your damn ego be for you to believe that you were the only one who went through hell to get here, Sirius?” he burst out, feeling the blood boil inside. “I'm sorry you were locked in there. I am sorry that you are locked up here now, but did it ever cross your mind that while you were there knowing the truth, I had to bear with my best friends dying and that the person I trusted most in the world was the guilty one?” he asked, hearing how his voice broke when he mentioned his friends, but he wasn't going to stop now “And that he had also killed one of them? Because I went through that, Sirius, during those _twelve_ years.” He pointed at him with a finger, then muttered between his teeth, "Completely alone.” He sighed out loud and then snorted in disbelief. “And did you really think that you were going to come back here and that everything would be the same? That I was going to be the same? We're_ all_ fucked, we all lost something that time. This isn't just about you. Can that get into your head the next time you think a tantrum will free you from what's really going on?”

He felt his mouth dry when he finally fell silent. He brought one hand to his forehead, caressing nervously, knowing that his hands were shivering as much as the rest of his body was, but he didn’t wait for an answer from Sirius to get out of there, slamming the door on his way out.

He knew the Weasleys were around the mansion, and he couldn't help but wonder if they had heard some of the screaming exchange that took place there.

He needed air, as much air as possible because he thought he was going to suffocate inside those walls. And suddenly feeling guilty recognizing that he was able to escape from there while Sirius wasn’t. But he had hurt him, attacked him, and Remus, who usually tried to be calm and composed, had exploded. He had said things that while true, perhaps had not been the way to release them at the time.

He walked outside in the darkness of the night, feeling the urge to smoke a cigarette. He conjured one softly with his wand and went to sit on a bench in the nearest park. It was a bad habit that he couldn’t give up every time he was tense and tired, he would allow himself to smoke one of those muggle cigarettes.

He reached into his trouser pocket, tilting his head up, mentally regretting that he had not taken his coat with him. He wasn’t going to try to call more attention by conjuring something that would give him heat right now, at least in his moment of anger, he was still able to remember that the idea of having the Base of the Order there was to hide them.

He felt his breathing return to normal gradually as he looked at the starry sky. He knew he'd have to go back there eventually, it wasn't like he had a choice. He let his thoughts float on irrelevant things, on matters that were not yet important, things that he would have to deal with in the future.

He threw the cigarette butt away as soon as he finished it, trying to prepare himself mentally to return. He didn't want to imagine what state Sirius was in. Would he have to wait until the next day to talk?

“Son of...” he muttered when he saw a big black dog approaching at a fast pace towards him, feeling his heart racing and not for the first time that night. The animal sat beside him on the floor, panting softly and avoiding his gaze. Remus covered his mouth with one hand, looking around. “You have to stop this, for Merlin’s heaven.”

The dog got up, spun in front of him to sit again, but this time resting his head on Remus' knee.

More in a way of going unnoticed than another, Lupin raised his hand to caress behind the animal's ear. The truth was that there were no people around him, but he had to be cautious and take care of what might happen, holding the wand firmly with the other hand in case he needed it.

A few minutes passed in silence, the dog offered him a pitiful look in his direction and Remus tried to ignore it. Until he stood up and indicated with his hand that they would continue back to the mansion.

They returned in complete silence. Remus was able to hear voices huddled around but tried to ignore them as they walked down the corridors, until he felt Sirius' hand on his shoulder, the truth was that even he didn't know which way he was going, did he want to have whatever conversation they were going to have in an enclosed room? He sighed. Anyway, the voices were no longer heard and he thought that the anxiety in Sirius had grown too.

“I'm always like this, aren't I?” Sirius muttered softly as he moved his hand away and leaned his back against the wall. “I feel like an idiot.” He snorted but avoided his gaze. “Thank you.”

Lupin cleared his throat.

“I shouldn't have reacted like that, I'm sorry," he said, copying Sirius's position by his side.

“You reacted as you should, I provoked you.” Remus doesn’t answer to that, but Sirius speaks again after sighing, “I guess it'll take me a while to get used to all this. I'm really sorry, Moony, for what I said before. It's just that I see us all, what we become, it's like it doesn't matter what we thought we were going to be before, the kind of heroes we dreamed of being. I look around us and all I see are monsters. All of us and forever...”

The words ring inside Remus for another moment before he shook his head and slid his back along the wall until he fell to the ground, stretching his legs in front of him. Sirius followed him.

“That's not true, Pads,” he starts softly. “You need to remember that the years passed outside as well, we have all changed, Sirius and all carry a weight of their own on their shoulders that neither you nor I are able to see. Fighting for what you want; for what you think is fair doesn't make you a monster. We're all in this, okay? Even if you think that ways aren’t the best, or are not what you imagine they should be, it is what we have.”

He heard Sirius make a noise from his throat in agreement with what he had said. It was inevitable to hate and shudder every time he heard the word _monster_ because it was a word he had been accustomed to attacking himself with since he was a child. He tried to get the thought out of his head because it's not what he needs at the moment.

“Don't you dare to do something so stupid again, please," said Remus after a few minutes of silence. “I let it go the first time and didn't tell Albus, but you can't risk it like that, Sirius. You are sacrificing your stupid ass and you need to understand what state your name is in, they are not going to wait for a court to sentence—”

“Sacrifices, that's what love is all about," he said suddenly, sounding a little more thoughtful, and Remus frowned in his direction, feeling his cheeks blush and being a little more grateful that he had chosen that darker place to speak. “I'd sacrifice anything for you.” Sirius turned his head to look at him as well and seemed to understand the weight of the words he had just released, suddenly opening his eyes wide. “I mean... As friends, you're my friend, Remus. I—“

“It's all right," Remus said, interrupting him when he felt sorry for his sudden statement. “Anyway, don't ever do such a stupid thing again, especially not for me.

“It will always be worth it," he replies, looking into his eyes as he shrugged one shoulder.

“Don't be ridiculous.”

They let a few minutes pass in silence until they finally dared to speak again. Talking about what they had been avoiding all this time, even while Sirius had stayed at Remus' house, they had ignored the elephant in the room.

Sirius tells him how it was that _little_ Peter managed to get into his head and made him doubt of him when they were still together when he was still the most important person in his life. And he tells him there's no day he won't regret it because that was the little detail that changed everything in their lives. But Remus tries to calm him down because deep down he knows and remembers very well what that time was like in some aspects; Albus used to give him secret missions that he couldn't talk about with anyone else, not even Sirius. If he'd been in his place, he'd probably have suspected him, too.

“I'm sorry," Sirius ends by saying. “For everything, to be honest, and I think I understand if you hate me—“

Remus shook his head.

“I suppose I would if you weren't so handsome," he replied, turning his head to smile at him, knowing full well that what he had just said sounded more like a declaration of love than a simple comment between two friends.

“I don't think that's true now.”

“For me, you've never stopped being one," he says, his gaze still fixed on the other. He couldn’t help but be a little prouder to see how embarrassed Sirius showed himself, but at the same time, part of him felt sorry for it, remembering that Azkaban had probably taken his confidence as well.

Sirius burst out laughing so loudly that resounds on the walls around them, but then shook his head and sighs, “I hate to think about what might have happened," he confesses softly. “What you and I—“

“Don't say that," Remus cut him. “This is what we have now; this is what we are. If we want a better future, we have no choice but to unite and fight as much as we can.”

Sirius blinks at him as he listens to him, not noticing a change in his expression until Remus sees him lean over him to bring his lips together in a shy and clumsy kiss.

It was as fast as it began, and as Remus separated he stared at the grey eyes in front of him in doubt, but before Sirius was able to say anything, it was he who took charge of pressing their lips together, now posing one of his hands on Sirius' neck to guide the kiss. Soon they felt heated when they parted their lips, and the next time they broke away was to catch their breath, Sirius taking the initiative once again got up only to sit by straddling on Lupin's lap, where he continued the kiss with all the passion they had lost during all those years.

Remus let his hands rest on Sirius' waist, while he had taken him with the other by the neck. Suddenly, Remus felt Sirius move his hips against him and that was the moment he remembered where they were.

“We should go somewhere else," he suggested when he separated his lips from Sirius’, who agreed without hesitation, standing up and offering him a hand to walk to his own room.

As they walked in silence, Remus with some discomfort but at the same time a familiar feeling; Sirius and he used to argue and then be okay out of the blue. Never was a dispute between them too long, and more than once James had noted them with envy.

Remus wrapped his arms around his body from the back as Sirius closed the door behind them.

“I missed you a bit," he whispered in his ear.

“We've almost seen each other—“

“You know what I meant," he said, rolling his eyes, but Sirius turned and once again caught his lips with his own before he could say anything else.

They managed to walk together to Sirius' bed, where they let themselves fall without being completely separated.

Sirius had settled upon him, resting his hands at the level of his head, brushing Remus' skin with his lips.

“You're old," he suddenly mocked him, looking into his eyes.

“You're _older_,” Remus snorted but quickly forced Sirius to kiss him again.

It's a matter of time until things between them return to heat, their breaths clearly more agitated than before was the only sound heard around.

After they both finished and continued panting, Sirius manages to remove much of his weight from above Remus but leaves one leg on his own in a possessive manner.

Remus managed to pull the wand out of his groping trousers, which he had miraculously managed to get out alive, although he had to admit that it wasn’t the first time it had gone through something like this either, and he cleaned up the remains of the activity they had just practiced and then left it on the bedside table. He once again surrounds the other man's body with his arms, while Sirius now rested his head on his chest, letting his breaths return to normal together.

“How many times did you dream of being like this with me in your room in your teens?” he asked in a mocking tone and avoiding laughing but failing enormously when Sirius struck him in the ribs.

“Shut up," he whispered, quickly hiding his face on Remus' shoulder.

Lupin was pleased with the ease with which he still managed to embarrass Sirius, even after all these years, and assumed that not _everything_ had changed after all.

But Remus thinks and thinks again about how much he wants to be able to spend time like this with Sirius, to have the opportunity to hug him, touch him, kiss him and be sure that he will have his company by his side. But as they have repeated, Sirius Black is not the same person with whom he fell in love with his youth, and there is no longer the same trust they had gained back then. But then, Remus is not the same either, and if he had learned anything it was that he had to fight for what he wanted, and if now he imagined a life with _his_ Sirius back, he had to fight to make that possible until the end.


End file.
